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22 November 2011 @ 04:05 pm
Dear whoever you are...  
Fandom: F1
Pairing: Jaime Alguersuari/Sebastian Vettel, mentions of Sebastian Vettel/Mark Webber
Rating: PG-13, just to make sure
Warnings: reference to violence (very, extremely mild one)
Genre: One shot, romance, a letter
Disclaimer: I don't own these people, though I do own the plot. This is only a work of my imagination, so it has never happened and I'm not intending to insult anyone or anything like that.
Summary:  First of all, I should probably tell you why I’m writing this letter. I’m writing it, because I need to get my feelings somewhere to sort them out, so I decided to put them on this flat piece of paper, which might actually be a bigger
challenge than I realized at first.


A/N: I just wanted to write a letter. So I wrote a lovesick letter where Jaime describes his feelings for Sebastian :'D I hope you like it, that some of you who end up reading this. If anyone ever end up reading this. Comments are always appreciated. Cybercookies for everyone who bothers to comment :D



Dear whoever you are,

First of all, I should probably tell you why I’m writing this letter. I’m writing it, because I need to get my feelings somewhere to sort them out, so I decided to put them on this flat piece of paper, which might actually be a bigger challenge than I realized at first.

Life has been pretty hectic lately. I still can’t believe that they took me here, to drive for the Red Bull Racing team with the world’s best driver at this present moment. You should know who I’m talking about, but if you don’t, let me tell you that his name is Sebastian Vettel. And if you still don’t know who he is, you should already stop reading, because I don’t think you’re worthy enough to read this, if you don’t know who I’m thinking about 99% of the time.

But as I said, life is hectic now that I’m a RBR driver. Driving for Toro Rosso didn’t make me that famous. People barely knew my name. And even though I did have promotional stuff to do back then, I think it’s even worse now. There’re hundreds of Red Bull events, galas, signing sessions. You can’t go anywhere without having the eager fans waiting for your autograph.

Okay, maybe I’m exaggerating a bit, because I’m nowhere nearly as popular as Sebastian, which is of course very obvious, for he is a lot better driver than me. I’ve had to pretty much stand in his shadow from the day I became a Red Bull driver. Not that it really bothers me, though. There seems to be enough business in his shadow as well.

So, I said earlier in this letter that I’m thinking about him 99% of my time. And no, it’s not because he’s my more famous and more successful teammate, because he truly deserves all that fame and success. It’s more because of some stupid shit going on in my mind. I am just a human being and unfortunately I have to suffer all the emotions of a human being. And I’m also as insecure about these emotions as any human.

It is very frustrating, when you feel something, but you’re not quite sure about
a)       what it is that you’re feeling
b)      why are you feeling it
c)       what should you do to get rid of that annoying feeling

Yes, it really is.

But maybe I should first tell you about how I ended up having this weird mess of feelings inside me, before I start describing them the best I can. Because I want to describe them, even though it’s impossible. I just think I would benefit from it myself, even if it doesn’t really interest you (then why the hell are you reading this anyway?).
This is a bit difficult for me, because I’m not sure if I even want to tell you all of this, even though I know I have to.

Well

I have known Sebastian for a long time. But I don’t really feel like getting into our youth years now, because these particular events have happened couple of years ago, not in our youth. All you really need to know is that we’ve known for a long time and that we’ve always been pretty close, even though after Sebastian went to drive for Red Bull it wasn’t the same anymore.
We were still friends, but not as close as we used to be.

Fucking your best friend, who isn’t your best friend anymore, might cause you things like
1)      heartbreak
2)      loss of friends
3)      wrecked relationships
4)      stupid feelings you were never supposed to have
5)      guilt
6)      and millions of other things

And that kind of happened to me.

But well, if it was so simple that it could just be told in a list like that, it wouldn’t be a problem at all. But because emotions are always so complicated and there are lots of emotions involved, this is complicated as well.

So, I had sex with Sebastian. That part you probably figured out already. It’s not like I really actually didn’t want it, because well, I really actually did want it. A bit too much. It’s always too much, when the person you’re fucking is a friend of yours who’s dating another friend of yours. Or to be honest, I was never friends with Mark, because he never liked me, but it only made things worse.

Now I need to tell you that Sebastian wasn’t cheating on his boyfriend, because it was all my fault and I made him to cheat on his boyfriend. No, I didn’t rape him, don’t even consider that. It’s just that I was a bit too eager to interfere, when Sebastian had been fighting with Mark. I shouldn’t have suggested taking him to a Turkish bar to “make it all a bit better by drinking”, because we all know that drinking only makes things worse.

Drunken Sebastian is an irrational Sebastian. He wasn’t even that drunk, but drunk enough not to think properly. I knew he was drunk (I hadn’t drunk too much, I didn’t like drinking too much), so maybe I was abusing his drunken state, when I started flirting with him. I shouldn’t have done that, I know it, because he was feeling very down about his relationship with Mark and he wanted to just forget all about it. So yeah, he did take all my flirting very well. He was drunk and he needed to forget, so why not take me when I offered myself so eagerly to him?

You can now start wondering why I did it. Go on, I won’t bother you by telling you the real reason. Why? Because I don’t know it myself. Something just clicked in my head. I had really gotten sick and tired of Mark, I had never liked him, because he had never liked me, even though I had tried to do my best to make friends with him. At that point I had already given up and I was thinking that Sebastian deserved someone better, someone who actually cared about him more than his career. No, I wasn’t thinking that I was any better than him. That wasn’t my point.

My point was that I hated Mark and admired Sebastian, so it just felt right to do it. Truth to be told, I have always had a little man crush on Sebastian. Okay, lying. It’s more than a little crush, it’s an obsession. You may think I’m a freak now, but that’s just how it is. And that obsession does include sexual frustration, so yes, you can consider it as the reason for all of this.

I’m not going to tell you about the sex. Sorry, but it’s something too special to be written down. Besides, I don’t think I even could find the right words to describe how I felt about it.

You might know what it feels like to wake up the next morning after you’ve had amazing sex. No, it doesn’t feel wonderful, when the person you had it with is a good friend of yours who can’t remember what the fuck he’s doing in your bed. That morning was probably the most awkward one I’ve ever had. Sebastian was a bit, well, shocked to find himself naked in my bed. The first thing he obviously asked was what had happened. Imagine how damn awkward it is to tell your friend that he got drunk and had sex with you last night.

 “Don’t tell about this to Mark, okay? Would just make things worse than they already are.”

There was so much hurt in Sebastian’s eyes, when he said that, that all I could really do was nod. I didn’t have anything to say, because it was too early in the morning for me to even consider things involving some kind of complex emotions.
Somehow I was still able to get myself hurt, after Sebastian had left. His words had stayed in my head, echoed there for hours, before I really realized how hurtfully truthful they were.

“This was a mistake”, he had said almost tears in his eyes.

I know the situation with him and Mark was pretty bad. And I know that it was my fault that it only got worse. I regret it so much, because it was entirely my fault that Sebastian got hurt. I never wanted him to get hurt, even though he had hurt me so many times. But he had never hurt me physically, never ever.

Mark hit Sebastian. I know he did, even though he denies it. And I also know that it wasn’t only one slap, it was more than that.  I didn’t exactly see all of what happened and it’s not like Sebastian has ever been able to tell me what happened, but I heard enough to figure it out by myself. And because I really didn’t enjoy listening to them fighting, I won’t bother you with too much detail.

It was painful to listen to Mark with frustration in his voice, but never raising it too high, still finding just the right way to hurt and insult Sebastian. I didn’t want to interfere, even though I heard them. Only when it was too late I felt horrible enough to think about interfering. Then Sebastian was already there, sitting next to me and crying his heart out against my shoulder. To be honest, all I could do in that situation was to stay quiet and stroke his back.

I felt too selfish to say sorry. I didn’t want to take the blame for Mark hurting Sebastian, even though it seemed like it was my fault. Somehow I just felt like it would’ve made the situation more uncomfortable. After all, I had never seen Sebastian cry like that, so it wasn’t a usual scene and would easily turn into another awkward scene in my life with Sebastian.

I remember it so vividly, holding Sebastian against my chest, his tears wetting my grey t-shirt. It was odd in many ways, because Sebastian had always been the dominant one in our friendship. Furthermore, he was always so happy-go-lucky that I had never seen his weaker side like this before. In some weirdly cruel way I kind of enjoyed the situation, because I finally felt like I really meant something to him. Why would you go cry against somebody’s shoulder, if you didn’t have a deep emotional bond with them?

Of course I wasn’t stupid enough to think that this meant that I meant as much to Sebastian as he meant to me, because it couldn’t have been possible. Now that I look back to that situation, I would say that I was in love with him. And I wouldn’t think that he was in love with me.

What happened after that then? Well, nothing really. Sebastian and Mark did eventually broke up, but I didn’t do anything. I stayed friends with Sebastian the way I used to and things went gradually back to how they had been in our youth days, when we had been close.

Now I am his teammate. Somehow it feels like if I make any kind of move on him, we will just end up like he and Mark had, though it’s hard to imagine me acting violently, so maybe not that part. The pressure and the competition had torn them up, it might as well do the same for us. Besides, I don’t know what he feels for me.

I’m not even sure what I feel for him.

Maybe I’m in love or maybe it’s just strong attachment, but to be honest, I don’t know. I don’t even know what love is, so it’s impossible to know, if I’m feeling it. And would I really risk our friendship to date Sebastian? I’m not sure.

Or maybe I haven’t done anything and I still am not doing anything, because I’m just so fucking scared of being rejected. I have been rejected so many times and it has never felt any good. People like to think of me as a pretty fuck for a one night, maybe for a couple or maybe even as some kind of a summer boytoy with no feelings. I guess pretty face means no feelings then.

All I’ve ever wanted is just somebody to love. Somebody who’d actually give a fuck about what I’m feeling and how I’m doing. Somebody who would take me as I am and see beyond my pretty eyes. The eyes seem to be a bit of a curse for me, doing more bad than good.

Maybe that somebody is Sebastian, who knows? I’m still slightly hoping that he is the one. Or who am I kidding, of course I want him to be the one, who will hold me through everything and make me smile even when I don’t feel like smiling.
Because well, he truly has a place in my heart.

Actually, I guess that’s all I wanted to say.

If you are Sebastian, then please, don’t just stare at this paper like I’m gone mad or something. Think of me as a pathetic kid who has a stupid crush on you. Or no, please, just tell me that you need me too.

I need you.

Love
Jaime